Dear Cyrus (Notice how I went right for your last name to show that I'm truly pissed),
I saw your little "performance" at the VMAs. And let me tell you, I am NOT a happy camper. Not ONE bit. I guess you could say that this little "CAMPING TRIP" left me never wanting to go "CAMPING" again! And by "camping" I mean listening to your music, and by "camping trip" I mean the VMAs, more specifically your performance. (Note: I do not actually camp.)
Anyway. The point is that YOU. ARE. OUTRAGEOUS.
So I'm sitting on my couch, watching the VMAs like I always do on Sundays. I grab a coke and pour it in my coffee, write an email to my wife and open up a twizzlers. You know. Sunday couch stuff. And next thing I know THINGS GET COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND. Curious why?
IT'S BECAUSE OF YOUR LITTLE STUNT, MISSY.
Well, I guess technically I didn't actually "see" your performance. I don't watch a lot of T.V., plus I had a thing the next day, and ya know. Late night, early morning = Blah. A Blah point blah out of Yawn on the Tired scale.
Look, it's not that I didn't want to see it, I was busy. But I DEF. heard about it. And let me tell you. I GOT AN EARFUL. An Earful point Earful out of 10, YOUNG LADY.
So how does this affect my opinion of you? Well, judging from the amount of media coverage of the VMA performance, I assume I probably should have had an opinion of you before now. Let's assume that opinion was "ok/fine." Given that my opinions on other media topics range from "sort of negative" to "vaguely not good," ok/fine is nothing to sneeze at. Some people would bend over backwards for ok/fine.
WELL YOU BENT OVER, ALL RIGHT. BUT NOT BACKWARDS. NOT BACKWARDS AT ALL.
SO KISS THAT LITTLE "OK/FINE" OPINION GOODBYE AND SAY HELLO TO "THAT GIRL IS SOMETHING ELSE." There, I said it. Actions have consequences, Cyrus.
Let me close by saying one more thing. I thought I knew you. But I was wrong. And since I didn't actually ever think I knew you, I feel even more betrayed by the whole affair. And if I was in fact betrayed by you - how could you do this to me (If you did anything)?